2012

I like to let my year in review posts marinate for a while before writing them. It provides me some space to process the year as a whole. When I start writing them in January, the holidays haven't had enough time to integrate into the totality. The danger is that life will get in the way of writing, and before I can sit down and write the year in review, I've forgotten half of the year I'm reviewing....
I almost fell into that trap this year, but here it goes.
2012 was a rough year professionally. I didn't lose my job or need to take a pay cut or even live through yet another round of pay cuts. In fact, I got a nice raise and a healthy bonus and my job got more secure. What did happen was that for the first half of the year my company lived under the shadow of an impending sale. The second half of the year was spent adjusting to working for a much bigger company. Both situations made it hard to stay focused and motivated. Before the sale it was a little easier because there was hope that our company would survive as a standalone entity; we would continue to be able to do things our way. After the sale, it was much more difficult. The new parent is a good company, but it is huge and has its own way of doing things. It was particularly hard for me, because in many ways it was a step backwards professionally. I went from essentially running a doc team, to being little more than a cog in a sea of cogs.
Personally 2012 was complicated. My anxiety continued to be an issue. In the early part of the year it was fairly acute. I expended far too much energy worrying that every ache and pain was terminal. Fortunately, I'm pretty good at hiding the anxiety and, hopefully, am not scaring Kenzie for life with it. Amping up the exercise, meditation, and nightly journalling have helped reign the anxiety in, although I do wash my hands way too much.
Aside from the shadow of anxiety, my personal life is excellent. (I think that perversely fuels some of the anxiety... My shrink tends to agree) Heather and I, aside from the normal tensions married couples face around money, chores, and child rearing have a great relationship. We work our way through the issues without yelling, saying things we'd regret, or harboring any lingering anger. It is actually pretty cool to have a partner who accepts your crazy and whose crazy fits nicely with your own.
Kenzie is growing like a weed. She is super tall and pretty coordinated for a two year old. She climbs all over her play yard like a champ and before it started getting to cold was trying to climb on the tree in our yard. Watching her personality develop is fascinating. She is a pretty cautious child; she takes her time checking out new situations; she will explore every part of a new toy. Once she is comfortable, she is all in. I can sit for hours and watch her make cookies, talk on her phone, feed and change her babies. The things she remembers are crazy too. She will mention things from week previous with no context and it will take me a while to figure out exactly what she is talking about. She is usually a pretty good sport when it happens (usually).
One of the most amazing things to me is how as she grows, I need to grow as well. I am constantly faced with situations where I must consider my own biases. Whether it is explaining something to her, teaching her how to do something, or managing her behaviors, I find myself asking myself questions. Explaining things to a 2 year forces my to rethink and distill my understanding of them. When deciding to set a limit, I am always asking myself who is this limit intended to help: is it to make me feel better (or my life easier) or is it for her? I don't always change my mind if it is for me, but at least I'm clear about it.
My extended family grew this year as well. My brother got married and had a second child. My niece also got married and had a child. This is a study in contrasts. Everyone was thrilled for my brother and his new wife. They make a good team and are pretty stable. Most of us were concerned for my niece. She is 20 and bi-polar; her husband is an unemployed high school drop out. We were supportive, because the heart wants what the heart wants. All one can do is be there when family needs help. One never can tell how a story will end....
We got to go on a bunch of good vacations. Kenzie seems to be a goodish traveller. The first night at any new place is rough for her, but I think that is true for most kids. It was definitely true for me. Even when I was staying at my grandparents house, the zillionth time, I had a hard time falling asleep the first night. Fortunately, Kenzie shares our enjoyment of the outdoors and the water. If she didn't it would make vacations much harder.
For 2013, I'm going to continue working on anxiety management. Life is too much fun to waste energy on fear. I'm also going to continue enjoying watching Kenzie grow and relish all of the opportunities it offers me to grow as well. As for work, they wouldn't call it work if it was all fun and games. I am keeping my options open. I keep trying to find ways to make positive changes and at the same time keep my eyes open for new opportunities.

Dry Run

I like winter paddling. When the conditions are right, it is the best time to paddle. There is something about the light and the quiet. The added danger probably adds to the allure.
As the temperature started dropping and plenty of good paddles were being listed on the message board, I started getting the itch to paddle again.
Sadly, my trusty old Reed paddle suit had sprung a pretty major leak and needed to be replaced. I considered replacing it with a new Reed suit, but there were enough things about the suit I didn't like and the exchange rate doesn't make it much of a bargain. I also looked at the IR dry suit, but it got very mixed reviews and seems like it needs a little more work before it is as good as the IR paddle tops. In the end I decided to go with the defacto standard: Kokatat Meridian. They are expensive, but have an impeccable reputation. The new styling is top notch as well. The old style mango and orange was fugly.
When it finally came I needed to give it a proper trial run. Fortune smiled o,n me and provided a perfect weekend for paddling. The forecast was for cear and warm weather. I wanted an easy and nearby paddle and was thinking a lake or Walden Pond until PB suggested Cape Ann. That sounded lie a much better idea. It is still close, but got us on the ocean.
Before setting out we had to trim the neck of the dry suit... PB bravely volunteered to do the cutting since he had experience. My nerves would have made a suit wrecking nick inevitable. In the end we trimmed what looked like five inches off the neck.
Our plan was pretty loose. All we knew was that we were paddling in Gloucester. Once we got closer, we decided to checkout Wingersheek Beach as a launch site. Both of us had paddled out of the harbor, and PB was looking for something new.
Wingersheek is a decent off season launch if you don't mind the carry from the parking lot to the beach. At the dead of winter though the parking lot is closed. You can still use the beach to launch, but it is much longer carry. We decided to pass.
Up the road from Wingersheek is a state fishing area and boat launch that puts you out into the end of the Annasquam. It looks like a great place from which to launch a kayak. The parking lot is reasonably large the boat ramp is dirt and not too steep. I had used this put in once before and knew it hard a dark secret.... At high tide portions of the parking lot can flood and claim unsuspecting cars. This was the sight of Egg 1.0's drowning.
PB and I decided that we would use the launch anyway. It was not supposed to be a particularly high tide and there were plenty of high areas that wouldn't flood even in a big high tide.
The paddle was just what I needed. The sun never quite warmed things as predicted and the thin fog hung in the air throughout the trip. In an odd way that sort added to the paddle. It kept things quiet.
The dry suit was excellent as expected. The neck gasket was still a little too tight, but that is easily fixed. It was comfortable to wear and didn't look too goofy. After the Reed suit, I expected that all dry suits were damp suits that kept the sea water out and your sweat in. The Kokatat was actually pretty dry inside. We didn't push ourselves that hard, but hard enough to work up a sweat. Most of it evaporated through the gore tex as advertised. I stayed toasty and dry. It will be interesting to see how it works on a hard core paddle.....

Fatherhood

It's been two years since Bug joined our family. It hardly seems like it could be that long ago and it feels like an eternity. Mostly, it feels great; terrifying, overwhelming, joyous, proud, thrilling....
I now understand what people mean when the say a child takes over your life. Bug takes a lot of time and energy. It feels like our job is to entertain, and feed, her and there are no mandated eight hour work days. She is on the go from 6am to 7pm, with a few hours of napping (most days). It is exhausting and frustrating, and yet the most fun I know how to have. It really isn't a job because it is amazing, and tiring and frustrating and head wracking.
The past two years have been and incredible ride. I look at Bug and cannot believe that she was the tiny baby in all the pictures. She is a little girl now. She is talking in sentences; often we have no idea what she is saying, ,but they are definitely sentences. She runs, climbs, feeds herself, and has definite opinions about what she wants and doesn't. Her favorite phrases are "Me do!" and "Why?".
Both phrases are the best and worst of dealing with a two year old. It is great that she is so curious and independent. It is crazy making when she insists on doing things like changing her own diaper or spending 20 minute trying to put a shirt on when we are trying to get out the door for work. Coming up with answers for the tenth why occasionally makes me want to bang my head against a hard surface repeatedly. There are times when I almost resort to the "because I said so" non-answer. When I am quick enough to remember that she can answer questions, I do pull out the "I don't know, do you know why?"
One of the most incredible parts of the journey has been how much it has changed my life. I have developed much better eating habits and started brushing my teeth twice a day. I have learned to be more present in each moment. I have discovered wells of patience I never knew I had. I have learned to be more cognizant of my own behavior and how it effects those around me. Everyday I feel like I've grown a little bit.
The growth springs from my fervent desire to give Bug the best life possible. That means being able to play with her and take her into the wilderness for explorations. I want to instill a love of being active and nature. It means that I need to be a good role model and a good coach. It means being aware of how what we do today effects the future.
Parenthood is, while daunting, frustrating, wearisome, etc, is also the most important, rewarding, and challenging thing I will ever do. It is my labor of love.

Rockport to Thatcher's Island

Cape Ann has some great paddling. There are a bunch of neat islands that dot the coast and the coast itself is interesting to explore. It poses a few issues: access, parking, and company. The Cape Ann shoreline is pretty rocky and the cape does not have a lot of major roads, so finding a place to put a boat in the water with car access is tricky. Most of the easily accessible launching areas have very limited parking. Most of the people I paddle with live in RI and can get onto the ocean with ease, so the idea of driving two hours is a hard sell.
Fortunately, one of the guys I paddle with was visiting Gloucester and was willing to do the leg work of finding a place to launch and work out the parking. He was also recruited a few other paddlers to drive up for a paddle.
I got clearance from H as soon as I knew the paddle was going to happen. She knew that a day on the water would do wonders for me and was more than happy to give me some time. One of the funny things about having a family is that while you know you need, and will enjoy, time away from them, you also know you'll miss them the whole time.
As the weekend got closer, the weather forecast got bleaker. By Friday it looked like the weekend was going to be bust. Then Saturday turned out to be a decent day and Sunday's forecast got worse.... Before setting out for the paddle, I checked the weather and the radar showed a block of showers sitting over the coast. NOAA was predicting an 80% chance of showers with Thunderstorms and fog likely. That was no reason to cancel the paddle.....
We met at Back Beach in Rockport. It is a popular place for divers and provides good access to the water for kayakers. It also offers some metered parking and restrooms within an easy walk of the beach. The longest meter is five hours, so the parking is not great for all day kayaking trips. There is a limited amount of on street parking to be found with in walking distance which is what we used. Of course, that meant we had to leave the kayaks sitting on the beach for a while we took care of the cars.
Fortunately, the kayaks were fine when we returned. We headed out of the harbor towards the breakwater. Our plan was to checkout the breakwater on the way to the Dry Salvages. Then we planned on checking out Thatcher's Island for lunch. In the afternoon, we would head back to the beach along the shore.
The paddle out to the breakwater was uneventful. One could even say it was boring, but it was also a good chance to warm up. The water was flat and there was no wind.
Once getting out to the breakwater and seeing the relative position of the Dry Salvages, we decided to skip them. It would be a lot of extra paddling to see a bunch of rocks. So we made a bee line for Thatcher's. Once we wete beyond the breakwater the conditions picked up a little. There was now some wave action to make life interesting.
Thatcher's has a nice ramp that is perfect for landing. It is designed so that it is easy to drag a kayak up onto shore. The island is also set up for camping and tourists. There is always personnel on the island to help out and make sure you sign the guest book. There are trials that can be explored, a museum, abundant bird life, and the towers.
The north tower, which is not now only a landmark and not an official coast guard lighthouse, was open when we were there. Getting to the top is a slog. The stairs wind up in the dark tower for seven or eight flights. Once at the top, we checked out the disappointing views from inside the light housing. It was hazy and the plexiglass made it worse. As we started down, BH discovered the door to the outer landing. The view from the landing made the climb worth it. Even with the haze and the fog you could see for miles.
After lunch I decided to swap boats with TM so I could try out his old school Cetus. I have always been intrigued by the Cetus since it appeared on the scene and gained immediate rock star status. TM's was equipped with plastic foot pegs that supposedly can be adjusted without climbing into the cockpit. The one side the worked was great. The other side came off the track and was a floppy mess.
I cannot say I was impressed by the Cetus. Admittedly I was paddling with only one foot peg, so it wasn't able to give a fully fair shake down. The kayak was stable and maneuverable for a big kayak - and it did feel big compared to the Q-boat. Like the Q-boat's back end the Cetus' back end releases pretty easily. Unlike the Q-boat, the Cetus felt more predictable. The best comparison I can make between the Q-boat and the Cetus is that the Q-boat is a Porsche and the Cetus is an Audi A6. The Cetus drives nice, but isn't quite as much fun.
Before TM and I switched back to our own kayaks, we explored the backside of Thatcher's and Milk Islands. The conditions were excellent for playing in the rocks. I hung back because I wasn't quite settled into the Cetus, but the others played. This area could get real in fun if the sea state picked up a notch...
After a quick repair break on Milk Island, we made our way back to Rockport along the shore. The conditions were calmer along the shore, but still lively enough to play. The shore line is rocky and dotted with houses which makes it fun and interesting.
Before heading back into Back Beach, we made the obligatory trip into Rockport Harbor to see Motif 1. Then it was a short trip back to the beach.
It was a great day for a paddle. The threatened rain never materialized. The haze was just enough to keep us from baking in our kayaks. The fog threatened to roll in, but never did. I don't know that I could have asked for a better day to explore the north shore.

Outer Boston Harbor

It has been awhile since I helped coordinate a trip or been out in Boston Harbor, so this was a bit scary. Fortunately for me PB is always prepared and always has a plan. This trip was no different. He had the tides all figure out days in advance and had a float plan ready to go. All I had to do was show up and help herd the cats.
As it turned out, I didn't even really need to herd any cats. The cats did all the work themselves. The group was amazing. We stayed tight on all of the crossings. Nobody got too far ahead or too far behind. Nobody darted into the rocks without checking to make sure the rest of the group was nearby. We even managed to regroup on Georges at the right time.
The conditions were almost as perfect as the group. The putter harbor was calm. The wind was minimal. The temperature was reasonable. The only downer was the haze, but we hardly cared. It was just a great day to enjoy the islands.
This was one of those paddles that reminds me why I love to paddle so much. It left me tired and rejuvenated.