Monday, May 11, 2020

Week 8 or is it 9?

We were watching the school districts update on home schooling expectations and the assistant superintendent said that school has been closed for 8 weeks, are not opening for the remainder of the school year, and that they may or may not open in the fall, but they definitely will have a plan, a backup plan, and a contingency plan.
I knew it had been a while, but I thought it was like 6 weeks or 10 weeks. I have lost track of time. Everyday is just another day. Somedays I shower; somedays I don't. Most days I exercise, meditate and have at least one internal melt down.
I have largely lost patience with the small child on more than one occasion.
I get that things for her are hard. School through a screen sort of sucks. Log into a Google page, watch some videos, do some worksheets, rinse, wash repeat. Oh and the expectations keep changing. At first it was just a few review things, then it was class meetings and daily review work, now there are daily zoom classes, and new material. Virtual playdates in Roblox and Zoom gymnastics also sort of suck. She is not exactly anxiety free, imbued with a strong internal sense of self, an overpowering urge to read, or super amounts of focus. She is an energetic, extroverted nine year old with a strong need to control things and a strong need for external attention.
I am an introverted, emotionally dead, ball of anxiety with a surplus of focus, who has spent years working through a screen. Unfortunately, I also have a bad habit of procrastinating which does not set a good example for the child.
The better half's job has also been getting more and more demanding, so she has less time and energy for child as well....
It is basically a spiraling mess. Child knows we are distracted and have to get things done. She either demands help on everything, avoids work by doing the absolute easiest things for which she can get credit, yells and pouts when things are hard and we try to help, or she hides out in her room playing Roblox and watching TikTok. She avoids messaging friends who do not play the games she likes on Roblox, because making small talk and expressing interest in others is hard when you spend most of the time worrying about what your friends are thinking of you.
It not only child that is spiraling. My tolerance for anything has worn very thin. I have to censor every e-mail I send and count to ten before responding to most questions....
Spending 24/7 in the same 1500 square foot house is not always good for an introvert. Walks through a deserted neighborhood wearing a homemade mask and avoiding the few people you do see hiding behind masks on is not exactly rejuvenating....

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